Just a bit of fun
Want to hear a good joke?
Then you've come to the wrong place but if you know a better one why not tell us and if we like it we will add it to this page.
A jelly baby was in a bar one night and starts talking to a smartie. After a few drinks the smartie says 'A bunch of us are going to a club later. Fancy coming?' 'No thanks' the jelly baby replies. 'I'm a soft centre and I always end up getting my head kicked in.'
'don’t worry' the smartie assures him. 'I'm hard as nails so I'll look after you.' 'OK then' grins the jelly baby. so they go to the club.
After a few drinks, three lockets walk in. They take one look at the jelly baby and start beating him up, then walk off laughing. 'I thought you were going to look after me! 'shouts the jelly baby.
'I was' replies the smartie. 'But those lockets are flipping MENTHOL'
Three newly married men were sitting in a bar together bragging how they had given their new wives housework duties.
The first man had married a woman from Albania. He bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the washing up, laundry, dusting and cleaning in the house. He said that on the first day he didn’t see anything but on the second day he came home to a clean house, the dishes were all washed and put away and the laundry too had been done.
The second man had married a woman from the Ukraine. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, washing up and the cooking. He told them that the first day he did not see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted that he told his wife that her duties were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry done and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said that on the first day he did not see anything, the second day he still did not see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.........................................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
Average looking..................................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure......................On medication
Feminist.......................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Fun.........................................Annoying
New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is that all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's go to bed now
6. I am bored = Do you want to go to bed?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to go to bed with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to go to bed with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to go to bed with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to go to bed with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
This joke is courtesy of Bhavini.
A woman needs 4 things to get married...a heart, a diamond, a club and a spade. A heart to love, a diamond ring on her finger, a club to hit his head with and a spade to bury him with!
This joke is courtesy of Sarah White.
What is the difference men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
A man and a cat have been drinking in a pub all night and when they get up to leave the cat passes out on the floor but the man just goes to walk out. The landlord shouts to the man " don't think you're going to leave that lying there" and the man replies it's not a lion it's a cat.
Question: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Answer: I'll tell you tomorrow.
This joke is courtesy of Sara-Jane Stokes. (It's got nothing to do with me).
What do you do if a bird dumps on your head??
Don't take her out again!
This joke is courtesy of Stephen Price.
There were 3 men. One had orange hair, one had red hair and the other had green hair. The red haired man went into a pub and the landlord said "what happened to your hair?" He replies "I dunno". The man with orange hair walks in to the pub and the landlord said "what happened to your hair" he replies "I dunno". Then the man with green hair walks in and the landlord says "well what have you done to your hair?" and the man replies while wiping his nose up, sniffs and says "I dunno".
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence, a life sentence.
A man is incomplete until he's married, then he's finished.
You need 4 rings to make a marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffer-ring and the endure-ring.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and the landlord said is this some kind of joke.
Like I said if you know a better one
